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A Very Long Reflection

Recently, I’ve discovered that I’m an INFJ. It stands for Intoverted Intuitive Feeling and Judgement, the rarest personality type known. (Yay for me, right?!) I’ve known it for a few months, but the discovery was really a light bulb moment a couple of nights ago. In fact, it kept me up most of the night unintentionally. Why? Maybe my brain was connecting dots for me? Whatever it was, wasn’t nice.

I’ve messed up a lot. INFJ’s are known for their niceness and empathetic nature… sincerely caring for others. When an INFJ is hurt time and time again, they “door slam” or cut ties permanently to prevent further damage. What if its been done selfishly? I can’t seem to find any articles on that. Maybe because the dominant Introverted feeling is the excuse for the selfishness. I refuse to let that be the case anymore.  Selfishness has been my motive for door slamming, I’ve finally realized. Not for all circumstances, but for some that weren’t justified for a full cut, for sure.

I’ve slammed doors on people because I’ve messed up, I’ve slammed doors on people because they wouldn’t change, and I’ve avoided people and things because I’m scared of the result or scared for my lack of inability to talk to them like I “should.” If awkwardness was a profession, I’d be a millionaire, I’m sure.

Negatives aside, being intuitive is something that I’ve always loved about myself, even though it is very intimidating to others. Understanding that I’m an INFJ in general helps me to understand why many are intimidated by me, and also helps me understand that Zoloft is not going to fix my problems, but rather mask them. Also, that awkwardness may forever be a part of me. Ugh. Anyway, what I thought was anxiety that needed to be addressed was unchecked personality growth in my dominant areas, and full on neglect in other parts of me.

Zoloft, however, was the open door to me realizing how talking to people and NOT worrying about the interaction can be simpler than I’ve ever realized. Coming off of Zoloft helped me to realize I have to be very intentional about this. (“This” being not over analyzing every part of every conversation I’ve had that day)

I’ve finally realized that my procrastination in anything difficult, slamming doors, and overthinking are officially doing an injustice to my Extroverted feeling auxiliary (the very neglected part of my personality).  Also, the neglect is publicly affecting my life.

On my good days, I’ve reveled in the fact that I am more of an extroverted introvert; I love people, but also love my time alone. When I started letting myself open up to people, despite awkwardness, I was eventually hurt and decided to let myself shut out the world. No one understood me, what is the point, blah blah blah. I’m still scared to get out into the world, and be intentional with people again. Being intentional with my family and putting priority on my family is easy. While this priority is necessary, that doesn’t mean I should shut out the world.

Being a hermit isn’t what I want, and definitely isn’t what God made us to be. He made us different, and made us a community. So, finally I found the article “practicing opposites”. It gives me a general guideline of actions I can take to help strengthen my weaknesses while allowing my strengths to do what they do.

I want to learn how to love myself, but also want to be stronger and selfless. Becoming bitter, stagnant, and selfish is not something that I want. Selfishness is becoming my tendency as I look away from the feelings of others, while the result at least halfway benefits me. It at least protects me as I pretend that the feelings of others don’t matter.

I’m amazed that I would even consider the option above, but its what I’ve gravitated to. The rudeness that experienced from people who didn’t like or understand me in school did not go away with maturity once I dove into the real world. Instead, the rudeness was more embedded in people. The awkwardness was more real and not forgotten with a fun time with my small group of friends anymore. People are mean, and they do not care.(Did I mention INFJs are highly sensitive? I feel like I should’ve said, “people are meanies.”)

Despite this, we learn to rise above it. We’re stronger than this, and we have parts of us that we have yet to learn about ourselves. I know that people can be good. We are a community, we are meant to be together and work together. As people, we’ve become very disconnected. I’ve let myself become disconnected.

As individuals, the parts of us that we have lost, we can get back. The parts we thought were gone just need to grow, or be introduced, with what we’re living now. Our strengths, will continue to be more beautiful, but they can also make us ugly if we don’t balance ourselves out.

I’ll be saving the blog “Practicing Opposites” (which is listed as the source below), and looking over the list periodically. Especially before my shift at work, and taking baby steps. Reading over the list right now is a bit intimidating, and overwhelming. However, it’s possible to move forward. It is possible to love others. It is possible to love yourself.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my rant for the day!

This full blown authenticity that touches on the subject of my struggle over the past few days. Don’t let guilt, dread, or fear hold you back EVER! We are the only ones who can give it that power to hold us back, or we can take it away.

Source: Practicing Opposites

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